eBay Unveils Future Plans For 100% Buyer Protection
By: Mortie Jazz
Tue May 13 2008 15:33:07
eBay Unveils Future Plans For 100% Buyer Protection
eBay CEO, John Donahoe, has pledged further changes to the online auction
megasite that he confidently projects will implement a 100% guarantee that
buyers will not fall victim to unscrupulous sellers.
"We have had a few months of turmoil and disruption as our community grows
used to our recently implemented changes," Donahoe said in an interview late
yesterday afternoon.
"But this reaction is something we prepared for right from the beginning, as
the changes have been quite a shock to the system to many and we completely
understand their reaction."
Donahoe then went on to explain that recent changes were designed more as an
anaethsetic to numb members of more drastic changes to come;
"We are going to be phasing out sellers over the next 4-6 months." Donahoe
explained sternly.
"eBay is a fantastic place to shop but, more and more, we hear complaints
from buyers that they have been burned by shady sellers in the past, and
this made them less likely to shop on eBay in the future."
Donahoe proceeded to outline the Anti-Seller Policy in broad strokes, as he
did not want to get into specifics until the policy has been finalized.
"It took months of serious thought and consideration, because we love our
sellers. They made us who we are today." Donahoe added sincerely.
"But if we can't guarantee shoppers that they have a safe place to buy, then
eBay will not be viable in the long term. We have tried in the past to
eliminate the shady sellers, but they repeatedly turn up through loopholes
to take advantage of impressionable buyers."
Donahoe adds with a touch of sadness "The only logical thing to do is to
phase out sellers, as that will guarantee that we have eliminated the
potential for fraud perpetrated on our valued buyers."
When asked if the policy will affect existing sellers, or just potential new
sellers, Donahoe added:
"Oh, it will be all of them. We could eliminate the threat of potential new
shady sellers by prohibiting new seller accounts, but who is to say that old
sellers might not suddenly turn shady at some point?"
After a pause, Donahoe adds "We just can't take that chance. If we want to
guarantee the buyer a 100% fraud-free shopping experience, the sellers will
all have to go."
Donahoe went on to outline a metaphor he feels sums up his plan;
"I mean, if you hear a story in the paper that a Pit Bull Terrier has mauled
a baby to death -- what do you do? You go outside and you shoot your own Pit
Bull Terrier in the head. It's the smart thing to do. I mean, that's what I
did just last week. I don't have a baby, but who is to say that one wouldn't
have wandered into my yard at some point?"
When asked what will be on eBay to buy if sellers are prohibited from
trading, Donahoe responded;
"Look, we haven't sorted out all the finer points yet. Our primary focus is
eliminating sellers so that the byers feel more comfortable shopping on the
website. Once we do that, we are extremely confident that the rest will fall
into place."
When again pressed on the paradox of an eBay with no items for sale, Donahoe
added;
"Again; we can't go into the trivial aspects of this policy just yet, but we
do want to stress to buyers out there that by 2009, they will not have to
ever worry again about being ripped off by an unscrupulous seller."
Donahoe firmly and repeatedly points his index finger into the palm of his
hand.
"THAT is our pledge."
If you've taken it seriously until now, sit back and relax. It's a PARODY and a JOKE going around newsgroups right now. :D
The complete step-by-step guide to get back to selling today!
eBay will get rid of all sellers by 2009... 
