 Something to laugh, men and women.
I hope this brings a smile to your day!
WHAT WOMEN SAY / WHAT WOMEN THINK LOL
I JUST NEED SOME SPACE.
... without you in it.
DO I LOOK FAT IN THIS DRESS?
We haven't had a fight in a while.
I DON'T KNOW, WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO?
I can't believe you have nothing planned.
I LIKE YOU, BUT...
I don't like you.
OF COURSE I LOVE YOU.
... just not in that way.
YOU NEVER LISTEN.
You never listen.
WE'RE MOVING TOO QUICKLY.
I'm not going to sleep with you until I find out if this guy at the gym has a girlfriend.
OH, NO, I'LL PAY FOR MYSELF.
There's no way I'm letting you think this is a date.
OH YES! RIGHT THERE!
Well, near there, I just want to get this over with.
I'M JUST GOING OUT WITH THE GIRLS.
We're gonna get drunk and make fun of you and your friends.
The Guys' Rules
Finally, the guys' side of the story.
We always hear "the rules" from the female side.
Now here are the rules from the male side.
These are our rules!
Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
Crying is blackmail.
Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!
Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine...Really.
Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as football, sex , or monster trucks.
You have enough clothes.
You have too many shoes.
I am in shape. Round is a shape.
Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know If I had a girlfriend id have to sleep on the couch tonight; but did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.
ROMANCE
Women,like to be romanced. they like to be wined, dined -- maybe there's a single rose and some dancing -- and then they feel close enough to you to have fun with you. Men, on the other hand, like to have fun with you; then they feel close enough to talk to you.
How to Impress a Woman:
compliment her,
kiss her,
caress her,
love her,
comfort her,
protect her,
hold her,
spend money on her,
wine & dine her,
listen to her,
stand by her,
support her,
go to the ends of the earth for her.
How to Impress a Man:
show up naked,
bring beer.
ONE FOR YOU LADYS TO STEAL ITS A WANTED ADD
Wanted: Any evidence suggesting the existence of unicorns, fairies, Gargoyles, good men, or any other mythical or fantasy creatures."
Dating vs. Marriage
When you are dating..... Farting is never an issue.
When you are married ....You make sure there's nothing flammable near your husband at all times.
When you are dating..... He takes you out to have a good time.
When you are married ....He brings home a beer,and says"What are you going to drink?"
When you are dating..... A Single bed for 2 isn't THAT bad.
When you are married ....A King size bed feels like an army cot.
When you are dating..... You are turned on at the sight of him naked.
When you are married ....You think to yourself "Was he ALWAYS this hairy????"
When you are dating..... You enjoyed foreplay.
When you are married ....You tell him "If we have sex, will you leave me alone???"
When you are dating..... You picture the two of you together, growing old together.
When you are married ....You wonder who will die first.
When you are dating..... Just looking at him makes you feel all "mushy."
When you are married ....When you look at him, you want to claw his eyes out.
First Date
A young girl was going on a date. Her grandmother said: “Sit here and let me tell you about those young boys. He is going to try and kiss you, you are going to like that, but don’t let him do that.
He is going to try and feel your breast, you are going to like that but don’t let him do that. But most important, he is going to try and get on top of you to have his way with you. You are going to like that, but don’t let him do that. It will disgrace the family.”
With that bit of advice, the granddaughter went on her date. The next day she told grandma that her date went just like she had predicted: “Grandma, I didn’t let him disgrace the family. When he tried, I just turned over, got on top of him, and disgraced His family…”
Granny fainted….
Daffy duck on a dirty weekend calls reception and asks for a condom. The reception says, "Shall I put them on your bill?"
Daffy replies.....
"Don’t be thucking thupid I’d thufficate."
REMEMBER ITS ALL FOR FUN !!!!!!!!!!
Dictionary for Personal Ads
Your Ad Here
WOMEN'S ADS:
40-ish - 49
Adventurous - Slept with everyone
Athletic - Small boobs
Average looking - Ugly
Beautiful - Pathological liar
Contagious Smile - Does a lot of pills
Emotionally secure - On medication
Feminist - Fat
Free spirit - Junkie
Friendship first - Former very *friendly* person
Fun - Annoying
New Age - Body hair in the wrong places
Open-minded - Desperate
Outgoing - Loud and Embarrassing
Passionate - Sloppy drunk
Professional - ****
Voluptuous - Very big
Wants Soul mate - Stalker
MEN'S ADS:
40-ish - 52 and looking for 25-yr-old
Athletic - Watches a lot of sport
Average looking - Unusual hair growth on ears, nose & back
Educated - Will patronize the hell out of you
Free Spirit - Will take your sister
Friendship first - As long as friendship involves nookie
Fun - Good with a remote and a six pack
Good looking - Arrogant
Very good looking - Dumb as a board
Honest - Pathological Liar
Huggable - Overweight, more body hair than a bear
Likes to cuddle - Insecure mama's boy
Mature - Older than your father
Open-minded - Wants to sleep with your roommate but she's not interested
Sensitive - Cries at chick flicks
Very sensitive - Gay
Spiritual - Got laid in a cemetery once
Stable - Arrested for stalking, but not convicted
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