Heard any good ones lately?

SelfMade17 · #**111** 07-14-2010

An old man and an old lady are getting ready for bed one night when all of a sudden the woman bursts out of the bathroom, flings open her robe and yells "Super Pussy!" The old man says "I'll have the soup."

SelfMade17 · #**112** 07-14-2010

The FBI is considering three men to be hired. They bring them in to speak with the interviewer separately. The first man comes in and sits down. The interviewer asks him "Do you love your wife?" so he replies "Yes I do, sir." "Do you love your country?" asks the interviewer. "Yes I do, sir.", interviewer continues, "What do you love more, your wife or your country?" he replies "My country, sir." The interviewer looks at the man, "Okay. We brought in your wife. Take this gun and go into the next room and kill her."

The man goes into the room, and all is silent for about 5 minutes. He comes back, with his tie loosened and he is all sweaty. He puts down the gun and leaves. The second guy comes in and sits down. The interviewer asks him the same questions, and the responses are the same. The interviewer gives him a gun, and tells him to go kill his wife. The guy puts the gun down and says "I can't do it..."

The third guy comes in, the same thing happens. The interviewer gives him a gun, and tells him to go kill his wife. The guy goes into the room, and BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! This is followed by a bunch of crashing sounds that end after a few minutes. The guy comes out of the room with his tie loosened, and puts the gun on the table. The interviewer looks at him and says "What happened?!?!", to which the guy replies, "The gun you gave me was filled with blanks so I had to strangle her!"

SelfMade17 · #**113** 07-14-2010

A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast. "You aren't so good in bed either!", he shouted and stormed off to work. By mid morning, he decided he'd better make amends and called home.
"What took you so long to answer?"
"I was in bed."
"What were you doing in bed this late?"
"Getting a second opinion."

SelfMade17 · #**114** 07-14-2010

Two deaf people get married. During the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn off the lights because they can't see each other using sign language. After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife decides to find a solution. "Honey," she signs, "Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time. "The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, "Great idea, Now if you want to have sex with ME, reach over and pull on my penis one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis ... fifty times"

SelfMade17 · #**115** 07-16-2010

One time there was an army camp in India that just received a new commander. During the new commanders first inspection everything checked out except one thing. There was a camel tied to a tree on the edge of the camp. The commander asked what it was for, one of the soldiers who had been stationed there for a while explained to him that the men sometimes get lonely since there where no woman there so they have the camel. The commander just let that go, but after a few weeks he was feeling very lonely so he ordered the men to bring the camel into his tent. The men did, and he went to work on it. After about an hour the commander came out zipped up his pants and said, "So is that how the other men do it?" One of the men responded, "No we usually just use the camel to ride into town."

xl_The_Jackal_lx · #**116** 07-16-2010

So a baby seal walks into a club...

SelfMade17 · #**117** 07-17-2010

One day the sheriff sees Billy-Bob walking around town with nothing on except his gun belt and his boots. The sheriff says "Billy-Bob, what the hell are you doing walking around town dressed like that?" Billy-Bob replies "Well sheriff, it's a long story!" Sheriff says he isn't in a hurry and that Billy-Bob should tell the story. Billy-Bob continues "Well sheriff, me and Mary-Lou was down on the farm and we started a cuddling. Mary-Lou said we should go in the barn and we did." "Inside the barn we started a kissing and a cuddling and things got pretty hot and heavy, well Mary-Lou said that we should go up on the hill so we did." "Up on the hill we started a kissing and a cuddling and the Mary-Lou took off all her clothes and said that I should do the same. Well, I took off all my clothes except my gun belt and my boots. Then Mary-Lou lay on the ground and opened her legs and said "Okay Billy-Bob, go to town..."

MadSam · #**118** 07-26-2010

All my jokes would get my banned!

SelfMade17 · #**119** 07-28-2010

One Fall day, Bill was out raking leaves when he noticed a hearse slowly drive by. Following the first hearse, was a second hearse which was followed by a man walking solemnly along, followed by a dog, and then about 200 men walking in single file. Intrigued, Bill went up to the man following the second hearse and asked him who was in the first hearse. "My wife," the man replied. "I'm sorry," said Bill. "What happened to her?" "My dog bit her and she died." Bill then asked the man who was in the second hearse. The man replied, "My mother-in-law. My dog bit her and she died as well." Bill thought about this for a while. He finally asked the man, "Can I borrow your dog?" To which the man replied, "Get in line."

SelfMade17 · #**120** 07-30-2010

A man and a woman were celebrating their 50th anniversary. They were talking before their dinner about how they should celebrate their big evening. The woman decided she would cook a big dinner for her husband. Then he said they should do what they did on their wedding night and eat at the dinner table naked. The woman agreed. Later that night at the table, the woman says, "Honey, my nipples are as hot for you as they were fifty years ago." The man replies, "That's because they are sitting in your soup."

**TGMT²** · #**121** 12-19-2010

Four old-timers were playing their weekly game of golf, and one remarked how nice it would be to wake up on Christmas morning,roll out of bed and without an argument go directly to the golf course, meet his buddies and play a round. His buddies all chimed in and said, "Let's do it! We'll make it a priority, figure out a way and meet here early Christmas morning."

Months later, that special morning arrives, and there they are on the golf course.

The first guy says, "Boy this game cost me a fortune! I bought my wife such a diamond ring that she can't take her eyes off it."

Number 2 guy says, "I spent a ton, too. My wife is at home planning the cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures."

Number 3 guy says "Well my wife is at home admiring her new car, reading the manual."

They all turned to the last guy in the group who is staring at them like they have lost their minds. "I can't believe you all went to such expense for this golf game. I slapped my wife on the butt and said, 'Well babe, Merry Christmas! It's a great morning for either sex or golf ' ..

and she said ... "Take a sweater."

First Edition · #**122** 12-19-2010

Beware.... EXTRA DRY

Mike is a well established business owner. He owns the local widget factory, priced at over 9 million dollars in net worth.

One day... as Mike is leaving the office after another long day... he hears a booming voice:

"Mike, this is God!'

Mike answers... "Oh wow, it's God!"

God replies... "Mike, I have a mission for you. You must do exactly as I say without question. Are you up for the challenge my son?"

Mike answers... "Yes, yes of course!"

God.... "You are to liquidate your business. Everything, get rid of it. Everything must go! Sell it all! I will come back to you when you have sold everything!"

Mike is shocked at the messages.... after a few hours of long thought... Mike makes the hardest decision of his life, and puts the Widget factory up for sale.

A few weeks later, Mike has sold his company that he has worked his entire life for... piece by piece. He now has 9.1 million dollars in cash. He hears the booming voice once again..

"Mike! Now that you have 9.1 million dollars.... go to Las Vegas! Rent a hotel room at the Bellagio and wait for my command!"

Mike goes to the Bellagio Hotel and Casino, gets a room... and once again the voice of God..

"Mike! Take your 9.1 million dollars, go to a cashier downstairs, and turn in all of your money for chips!"

Well at this point Mike can see where this is going and is getting rather excited. He goes downstairs, cashes in the chips, and again hears the voice....

"Mike! go to the roulette table at the end of the casino! There is one special table, on the far right.... 3rd one from the end. I want you to walk up to the table, and place your 9.1 million on red 12!"

Mike strolls over.... puts 9.1 million dollars on red 12. Everyone is shocked in amazement... the ball rolls..... rolling..... and finally lands.

The roulette table guy yells..... "Black 24!"

God says.... "Awe come on!!!"

Shadow2010 · #**123** 12-19-2010

A man walks into a bar and the barman says "Why the long face?" And the man replies "I am severely deformed".