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  #1  
Old 05-15-2009
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Default Heard any good ones lately?

A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3 o'clock in the morning! He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife.
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"No, I did not, it is 3 o'clock in the morning and it is pouring out there!"
"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes" comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?", calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here on the swing!" replies the drunk.


*** *** ***


A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic garbage bags with her, one in each hand. There's a hole in one of the bags, and every once in a while a $20 bill is flying out of it onto the pavement.
Noticing this, a policeman stops her. "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag."
"Damn!" says the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can still find some. Thanks for the warning!"
"Well now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that money? Did you steal it?"
"Oh, no", says the little old lady. "You see, my back yard borders on the parking lot of the football stadium. Each time there's a game, a lot of fans come and pee in the bushes, right into my flower beds! So I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each time someone sticks his pecker through the bushes, I say: $20 or off it comes!"
"Hey, not a bad idea!" laughs the cop. "Good luck! By the way, what's in the other bag?"
"Well", says the little old lady, "not all of 'em pays up!"
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  #2  
Old 05-16-2009
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No new ones but my favourite quick one:

What's do Ferrero Rocher chocolates and David Beckham have in common?





















They both come in a posh box.
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  #3  
Old 05-16-2009
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They both come in a posh box.


doubt it, would you????
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  #4  
Old 05-16-2009
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You don't get the joke? Or you wouldn't do his wife?
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  #5  
Old 05-16-2009
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I would.
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  #6  
Old 05-16-2009
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course I get the joke,

its the wife, yuk, like going to bed with a bicycle...
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  #7  
Old 05-18-2009
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A man goes to a dentist to have a tooth pulled. The dentist pulls out a needle.
"No way! No needles! I hate needles!" the patient said.
The dentist starts to hook up the laughing gas and the man again objects.
"I can't do the gas thing - the thought of having the gas mask on is suffocating to me!"
The dentist then asks if the man has any objection to taking a pill.
"No objection", the patient says, "I am fine with pills".
The dentist left for a moment and when he returned, says "Here is a Viagra tablet."
The patient says, "Wow - I didn't know the V-Pill worked as a pain killer!"
"It doesn't," said the dentist, "but it will give you something to hold onto when I pull out your tooth."
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  #8  
Old 06-15-2009
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A blonde was summoned to court to appear as a witness in a lawsuit. The prosecutor opened his questioning with, "Where were you the night of August 24th?"
"Objection!" said the defense attorney. "Irrelevant!"
"Oh, that's okay," said the blonde from the witness stand. "I don't mind answering the question."
"I object!" the defense said again.
"No, really," said the blonde. "I'll answer."
The judge ruled: "If the witness insists on answering, there is no reason for the defense to object."
So the prosecutor repeated the question: "Where were you the night of August 24th?"
The blonde replied brightly, "I don't know."
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  #9  
Old 06-15-2009
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WHO SAID WOMEN COULDN'T FOLLOW INSTRUCTIONS...

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews and preliminary testing were done, there were three finalists. Two men and a woman.

For the final test, the agent in charge took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

"We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside of this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill Her!!!"

The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife."

The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job."

The second man was then told "We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside of this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill Her!!!"

He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes.

"I tried, but I can't pull the trigger on my wife."

The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was told "We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside of this room, you will find your husband sitting in a chair. Kill Him!!!"

She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. Then they heard screaming, crashing, and banging on the walls.

After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, hair mussed, clothing in disarray, and blood splattered from head to foot. She wiped the sweat from her brow, and said, "This gun was loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair."
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  #10  
Old 06-15-2009
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A woman visits a fortuneteller who tells her, "Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."

Visibly shaken, the woman takes a few deep breaths, steadies her voice and asks, "Will I be acquitted?"
************************************************** ******
After a morning stroll the three bears head for the kitchen to see if their breakfast had cooled down.
"Sombody's eaten my porridge." cries the baby bear.
"And somebody's eaten my porridge," exclaims the mother bear.
"Stuff the porridge!" yells the father bear. "Where's the **** DVD player?"
************************************************** ****
A man was sent to Hell for his sins.As he was being taken to his place of eternal torment, he passed a room where a lawyer was having an intimate encounter with a beautiful youn woman.
"What a rip off," the man muttered. "I have to roast for all eternity, and that lawyer gets to spend it with a beautiful woman."
Jabbing the man with his pitchfork, the escorting demon snarled, "Who are you to question that woman's punishment?"
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  #11  
Old 06-15-2009
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A university creative writing class was asked to write a concise essay containing these four elements: religion, royalty, sex and mystery.
The prize-winning essay read:
"My God," exlaimed the princess. "I'm pregnant! I wonder who did it?"
==================================================
A construction boss in Boston was interviewing men when along came a guy named Vinny from New York.
"I'm not hiring any wise-ass New Yorker," the foreman thought, so he made up a test hoping that Vinny wouldn't be able to

answer the questions, and he'd be able to refuse him the job without getting into a dispute.
"Here's your first question," the foreman said. "Without using numbers, represent the number 9."
"Widout numbiz?" Vinny says. "Dat's easy," and he proceeds to draw 3 trees.
"What's this?" the boss asks.
The New Yorker replies, "Ain't you got no brains? Tree 'n Tree 'n Tree makes nine. Faghedaboutit..."
"Fair enough," says the Boss. "Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time make the number 99."
Vinny stares into space for a minute, then picks up the picture he has drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. "Dare ya go, Buddy."
The Boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"
Vinny says "Eacha da tree's is dirty now! So it's dirty tree 'n dirty tree 'n dirty tree - dat's 99."
The Boss is getting worried he's going to have to hire the New Yorker, so he says, "All right, last question. Same rules but this time make 100."
Vinny stares into space again, then picks up the picture once again, makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Dare ya go, Mac, a hunnert."
The Boss looks at the picture for a moment and says, "You must be nuts if you think that represents 100!"
New York Vinny leans forward and points to the marks at the base of the trees. "A little doggie comes along and takes a crap on each a dem trees, so now ya got dirty tree an' a turd, dirty tree an' a turd, dirty tree an'a turd - which makes one hunnert. Bada boom , bada bing. When do I freakin' staht?"

Last edited by Vicvelcro; 06-15-2009 at 06:24 AM.
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  #12  
Old 06-15-2009
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Default Just for Laughs

Hey everyone Post your Really Funny jokes here. Please no corny Lame jokes. Just the ones that will make people laugh. Hopefully this will be a "Sticky" or have its own Section.

I'll start it off.
BooMer

Title Unusual Funeral
A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he
noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.

A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet
behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a
dog on a leash. Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men
walking single file.

The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man
walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a
bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose
funeral is it?"

"My wife's."

"What happened to her?"

The man replied, "My dog attacked and killed her."

He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?"

The man answered, "My mother-in-law... She was trying to help my wife when
the dog turned on her."

A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two men.

"Can I borrow the dog?"

The man replied, "Get in line."
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  #13  
Old 06-15-2009
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HAHA! Very nice
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  #14  
Old 06-15-2009
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Two Ways To Look At Everything! LOL

My girlfriend and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I
kept staring at this drunken girl swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My girlfriend asked, "Do you know her?" "Yes," I sighed, "She's
my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up
those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" says my girlfriend, "Who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?"
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  #15  
Old 06-15-2009
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A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead!
Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head.
The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it!"
"Shut up!" the blonde replies, "you're next."
=======================================
Billy Bob and Lester were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Lester, "Ya know, I reckon I'm about ready for a vacation. Only this year I'm gonna do it a little different. The last few years, I took your suggestions as to where to go.
Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Marie got pregnant. Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Marie got pregnant again. Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Marie didn't get pregnant again."
Lester asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?"
Billy Bob says, "This year I'm taking Marie with me."
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  #16  
Old 06-15-2009
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12-Year Scotch

A guy walks into a bar and says to the bartender,
"I want you to give me 12-year scotch, and don't try to fool me because
I can tell the difference."
The bartender is skeptical and decides to try to trick the man with 5-year scotch.
The man takes a sip, scowls and says,
"Bartender, this crap is 5-year scotch. I told you I want 12-year scotch."
The bartender tries once more with 8-year scotch.
The man takes a sip, grimaces and says,
"Bartender, I don't want 8-year scotch like this filth. Give me 12-year scotch!"
Impressed, the bartender gets the 12-year scotch,
The man takes a sip and sighs, "Ah, now that's the real thing."
A disgusting, grimy, stinking drunk has been watching all this with great interest.
He stumbles over and sets a glass down in front of the man and says,
"Hey, I think that's really far out what you can do. Try this one."
The man takes a sip and immediately spits out the liquid and cries,
"Yechhh! This stuff tastes like piss!"
The drunk`' eyes light up and he says, "Yeah, now how old am I?"
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  #17  
Old 06-15-2009
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The passengers on a small plane are a quite surprised when the pilots arrive. The pilots walk up the aisle, both wearing dark glasses. One has a seeing-eye dog, the other is tapping his way with a white-tipped cane.
The cockpit door closes, the engines start up.
The plane moves faster and faster down the runway. People by the windows realize they're heading right towards the water at the end of the runway.
Panic ensues. Screams fill the air. At that very moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air.
The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly.
Up in the cockpit, the co-pilot turns to the pilot. "Y'know, Bob," he says. "One day they're going to scream too late, and we're all gonna die."
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  #18  
Old 06-15-2009
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$40,000. Funeral

Jim died.

His will provided $40,000 for an elaborate funeral.

As the last guests departed the affair, his wife Sharon turned to her oldest and dearest friend. 'Well, I'm sure Jim would be pleased,' she said.

'I'm sure you're right,' replied Brenda, who lowered her voice and leaned in close.

'How much did this really cost?'

'All of it,' said Sharon . 'Forty thousand.'

'No!' Brenda exclaimed. 'I mean, it was very nice, but $40,000?'

Sharon answered, 'The funeral was $6,500. I donated $500 to church. The whiskey, wine and snacks were another $500. The rest went for the Memorial Stone.'

Brenda computed quickly. '$32,500 for a Memorial Stone? How big is it?

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  #19  
Old 06-15-2009
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My Pal Needs Technical Support

Can you please advise me? I'm currently running the latest version of Girlfriend and I've been having some problems lately. I've been running the same version of DrinkingBuddies 1.0 all along as my primary application, and all the girlfriend releases have always conflicted with it.

I hear that DrinkingBuddies won't crash if you run girlfriend in background mode with the sound turned off. But I'm embarrassed to say I can't find the switch to turn the sound off. I just run them separately, and it works okay.

Girlfriend also seems to have a problem coexisting with my Golf program, often trying to abort Golf with some sort of timing incompatibility. I probably should have stayed with girlfriend 1.0, but I thought I might see better performance with GirlFriend 2.0.

After months of conflicts and other problems, I consulted a friend who has had experience with GirlFriend 2.0. He said that I probably didn't have enough cache to run girlfriend 2.0, and that eventually it would require a Token ring to run properly.

He was right --- as soon as I purged my cache, it uninstalled itself. Shortly after that, I installed girlfriend 3.0 beta. All the bugs were supposed to be gone, but the first time I used it, I got a virus. I had to clean out my whole system and shut down for a while.

I very cautiously upgraded to girlfriend 4.0. This time I used a SCSI probe first and also installed a virus protection program. It worked okay for a while until I discovered that GirlFriend 1.0 was still in my system! Then I tried to run GirlFriend 1.0 again with GirlFriend 4.0 still installed, but GirlFriend 4.0 has a feature that I didn't know about that automatically senses the presence of any other version of girlfriend and communicates with it in some way, which results in the immediate removal of both versions!

The version I have right now works pretty well, but there are still some problems. Like all versions of girlfriend, it is written in some obscure language that I can't understand, much less reprogram. Frankly, I think there is too much attention paid to the look and feel rather than the desired functionality.

Also, to get the best connections with your hardware, you usually have to use gold-plated contacts. And I've never liked how GirlFriend is totally "object-oriented". A year ago, a friend of mine upgraded his version of GirlFriend to GirlFriendPlus 1.0, which is a Terminate and Stay Resident version of GirlFriend.

He discovered that GirlFriendPlus 1.0 expires within a year if you don't upgrade to Fiancee 1.0. So he did. But soon after that, he had to upgrade to Wife 1.0, which he describes as a "huge resource hog". It has taken up all of his space, so he can't load anything else.

One of the primary reasons that he upgraded to Wife 1.0 is that it came bundled with FreeSexPlus 1.0. Well, it turns out that the resource allocation module of Wife 1.0 sometimes prohibits access to FreesexPlus, particularly the new Plug-Ins he wanted to try.

On top of that, Wife 1.0 must be running on a well warmed-up system before he can do anything. Although he did not ask for it, Wife 1.0 came with MotherInLaw 1.0 which has an automatic pop-up feature that he can't turn off.

I told him to try installing Mistress 1.0, but he said that he heard if you try to run it without first uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself, Then Mistress 1.0 won't install anyway due to insufficient resources.

Can any of you help??
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  #20  
Old 06-15-2009
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^^^^^^^^^^^ love that one.
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  #21  
Old 06-15-2009
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How To Ask A Man To Do Something


Always remember these six important rules when asking a man to do something:

Make sure the man is conscious.

Crash the hard drive on his computer and line the bird cage with the sports section.

Be brief! Limit your nagging harangue to two, three hours, max.

Reward him for cooperative behavior. Offer to cook him something that doesn't have a peel-back cover.

Punish him when he refuses to cooperate. Microwave his remote on high power for 55 minutes.

Rotate 1/4 turn, and microwave again for another 35 minutes.

Use "would you" or "will you" instead of "you'd better" or "do as I say and no one will get hurt."
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Old 06-15-2009
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Vicvelcro and BooMer

Gurusgrafx died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly.

The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Vicvelcro and BooMer.

The three men had always done everything together.

Vicvelcro arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet,

Vicvelcro said, 'Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over.'

The mortician rolled him over and Vicvelcro said, 'Nope, ain't Gurusgrafx '

The mortician thought this was rather strange.

So he brought BooMer in to confirm the identity of the body.

BooMer looked at the body and said, 'Yup, he's pretty well burnt up.

Roll him over..'

The mortician rolled him over and BooMer said, 'No, it ain't Gurusgrafx '

The mortician asked, 'How can you tell?'

BooMer said, 'Well, Gurusgrafx had two assholes.'

'What? He had two assholes?' asked the mortician.

'Yup, we never seen 'em, but everybody used to say:

'There's Gurusgrafx with them two assholes.'

The Real names has been Hidden and replaced with Fictitious Names.
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