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  #1  
Old 09-23-2011
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My mother called me up today and told me that if some relatives HAPPEN to call me, I should tell them that they are helping me get back on my feet. The bad thing is that they aren't lifting a finger to help me at all! She is driving me crazy!! I really need help but so far I manage to keep my head above water and my pride prevents me from asking for their help. I wanted to tell her to F. off and tell her why lie when they aren't really helping me and my kids but it would be disrespectful. I can't believe how she wants to get credit for something she isn't doing!!!

Just wanna rant about it.
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Old 09-23-2011
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Rant on - I hear you - won't give suggestions because I aint your therapist...unless you want ha =)
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Old 09-24-2011
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I don't think anything will work with my mom but thanks for replying. Unfortunately some are born with controlling and holier than thou mothers.
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Old 09-25-2011
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believe me you are not the only one with one of those mums, mine rearranges all my drawers, furniture, and comments on everything, she even re-hangs my washing, as it is not done neatly enough.

.......give her a list of what she CAN do for you, or to keep quiet about it. Sometimes people do need help to get started, but then after that never ever ask again...
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Old 09-25-2011
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I'm ashamed to admit that I avoid my mother and I very rarely see her or even speak to her. I'm really not impressed with her or her behaviour.
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Old 09-26-2011
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Mine is not only controlling but since we are Chinese by blood, there is this culture thing involved. So we have our so called "reputation" to uphold. Eversince my separation which is already the talk of Chinatown, the next thing is about how I am doing and picking up the pieces. She wants to take credit for that. She says I should say that she is helping me finance a business. Her pride won't accept that I do well on my own because people would say how good I was without her help. My brothers and sisters are estranged from her but she "dotes" on me mainly because I don't answer back and just take whatever she dishes. Oh God Joy Luck Club here.

We are caught in two worlds the east and the west which sucks big time.
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Old 09-26-2011
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Originally Posted by oompaloompa View Post
believe me you are not the only one with one of those mums, mine rearranges all my drawers, furniture, and comments on everything, she even re-hangs my washing, as it is not done neatly enough.

.......give her a list of what she CAN do for you, or to keep quiet about it. Sometimes people do need help to get started, but then after that never ever ask again...
Wish it was that simple. In my case she would throw away the list and give you a list of her own which I can say would be:
1. Have your children enrolled in an school where the majority are Chinese and have them speak chinese.
2. Change my lifestyle which includes no fast food, not going to movies and throwing away my laptop because the internet she says is the devil's work. The only book she wants me and the children holding is the Bible if not an encyclopedia.
3. Go with her to tai-chi every morning at the crack of dawn
4. Follow her around when she shops for about four hours and buys nothing.
5. Help in the family business where there are no computers and do inventory manually. List everything like payables and incoming cheques on tons of yellow pad. Learn the abacus.
6. The list goes on and on... I kid you not about the bible. When my kids were on vacation at her place and they were caught reading the Twilight series, she and my dad made them read the whole book of Genesis. After that the kids never wanted to visit them as they said "Ever"

I forgot, regardless if it is a Sunday or a holiday, be awake at 6 AM even if you will do nothing. No such thing as sleeping in. I am pushing 45 for Christ's sake and she wants to treat us like kids. That is the tip of the iceberg to what I have to agree on IF I want her money.

Last edited by smartshoppe; 09-26-2011 at 03:45 PM.
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Old 09-26-2011
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Originally Posted by smartshoppe View Post
My mother called me up today and told me that if some relatives HAPPEN to call me, I should tell them that they are helping me get back on my feet. The bad thing is that they aren't lifting a finger to help me at all! She is driving me crazy!! I really need help but so far I manage to keep my head above water and my pride prevents me from asking for their help. I wanted to tell her to F. off and tell her why lie when they aren't really helping me and my kids but it would be disrespectful. I can't believe how she wants to get credit for something she isn't doing!!!

Just wanna rant about it.
You need to decide this yourself. How much has your mother helped you in your life? Could she help you if she wanted to? I mean, if she's a millionaire and not bothering to give you $100 (as an example), then I'd tell the relatives when they're calling that "my mother said that I should tell you that she's helping me".

On the other hand, if your mother gets a $800 pension a month and you're expecting her to help you with $500, then obviously not.

I have a few Chinese friends and know their families very well. For them it would be an honor to help their own family, even though they also like to "sit" on their money and spend the least possible outside the family. :D
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Old 09-26-2011
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Wow, the day I turned 18 and signed up for college I have been on my own.

Parents are not responsible to be their childs caregivers for life. They did their job until I was 18 and going to college. I never expected them to be my care giver after that.

I have returned the favor by caring for my parents as they aged.

I would hate to think that I needed to take away from them as an adult and that I could not care for myself or my family.

We nearly lost our home a while back, we both lost our jobs, ate up all of our savings etc and not once did we go to either parent for help.

At some point in your life you will need to find a way to make it without help.

At no point would I ever tell either side parent to F off. That you will regret some day.
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Old 09-26-2011
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She has lots of money. That is why she calls the shots about how to spend it. She has never helped me. When I first opened a retail store with a couple of friends, she refused to enter it as well as attend the inauguration. She did the same thing with my brother when he was promoted to VP in an insurance company. I think she associates money with control which is typical Chinese. Parents want to take credit for their children's success.

I don't know how Chinese your friends are but our Chinese would rather ask for help outside of the family because asking help from your family is taboo. The moment you mention that you don't have money, a lot of them scamper away because they are afraid you might ask for help from them. So everyone just keeps mum if the going is bad and brag to high heavens if the going is good.

Last edited by smartshoppe; 09-26-2011 at 07:33 PM.
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Old 09-26-2011
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We have helped family members ourselves and in many cases they were adults with kids.

In most of the cases they took the money, did wrong with it and then came back for more.

Money can be a controlling thing, but also I learned that in the cases above I wont be helping them again as they did wrong with what help I did give them.

I wont allow them to go without food but I wont give them money ever again because they did wrong with it in the first place.

And, we helped them when we were struggling ourselves. Therefore taking away from my family in need to help others.

I wont go any further but I found that those who wont help themselves or those who do wrong with a gift wont get help again.

Something is might wrong with this picture. I can say I have been there and done that and know how some kids take advantage of parents and expect them to be a lifetime provider.

I recently lost a parent and looking through the checkbook I saw years of checks being paid to kids and grandkids. All of those you kinda expected it from because they dont keep a job, wont work any overtime, spend money on fullish things etc.
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Old 09-26-2011
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Pride stops me from asking for help. For me, I help without being asked for assistance and sometimes I hope some people would also do the same especially my parents. My husband cleaned me out probably thinking that I have this wall of support behind me not knowing I would never ask for help. You are good to help out but having them come back for more speaks for their quality as persons. I, on the other hand am not the type to take advantage of parents just because they have money. But if I was a parent who were in their shoes, I wouldn't wait for my children to come and ask for help especially with all that's happened to me. If she doesn't help it is ok, the thing that irks me is that she wants other people to know that she is helping me get back on my feet, of which I am doing steadily without her help.
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Old 09-26-2011
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Study finds that ranting releases stress, and prevents suicides, for example "facebook rants"...... Just let it all out
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Old 09-26-2011
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Study finds that ranting releases stress, and prevents suicides, for example "facebook rants"...... Just let it all out
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Old 09-26-2011
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There you go!
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Old 09-27-2011
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every family is different, and yes money is a way of control, but you say that she does not help you financially and you do not want it anyway. In which case do some of the things you like doing with her like sometimes tai chi and shopping, but other times say no you are busy, she is too old and set in her ways to learn. Tell the relatives nothing, if they ask directly, say no you are very successful and do not have any help. If she does not like it, tough, if she makes a scene, tell her you will not see her for a while because it is not in your health interests and she gives out negative energy, keep her at arms length, she does not mean to be but her attitude is toxic to you and your kids.....

this situation is not your fault, I know you feel a bit guilty, but you have been given no choice, and it is you and your kids first...

oh and never ever borrow or lend money to anyone ...Go to a bank or put it on a credit card.
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Last edited by oompaloompa; 09-27-2011 at 03:30 AM.
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Old 09-27-2011
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@oompaloompa
You are right about too set in her ways and you hit it right on the head when you said "toxic", it was a term my brother used to say about her. I just simply forgot about it. Problem with me is that my coping mechanism is forgetfulness. How weird is that? When my siblings recall everything she did through the years I would always say, "she did?". Words like that trigger memories though. I think she is waiting for me to fail and come crawling back to them. Actually, my dad had health problems which makes us hate ourselves because we don't see him as often as we want because of her. I remember when my brother earned his first 20k at 18, he came home with about 300 dollars worth of groceries and out of the blue she just slapped him for no reason. Actually we call it the "I love you" slaps because it was 3 in succession across the face, right-left-right lol. My dad shouted "Are you crazy?" then argued with her, soonafter he had chest pains. When we rushed him to the hospital my mother said to my brother, "If something happens to your dad, it is your fault" She said years later that she felt like my brother was showing off to her just because of little earnings. Strange woman no? I feel guilty about not being there, especially with my decision to move from the west to the east coast. Where I am here all by my lonesome.

About the never lend money to anyone...I do have a problem with that. I tend to help out up to when I can, not because I want to but I am afraid of bad karma. I have this stupid thinking that what if God sent this person to me for me to help? If I don't then he punishes me? I know it's bull but you would be afraid of bad karma if you went through what I went through...

Thanks for the replies guys!
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Old 09-27-2011
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Decent avatar Red_X....ha
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Old 03-05-2012
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I think you guys would be jealous if I told you about my mom or dad. Well my dad has the shortest temper in the world. But when he isn't getting ticked off he is a real gentlemanly type of guy. And very professional. He even got to have his pictures taken with former Ohio governmer Ted Strickland just a few months before he left office. Now we have John "The Idiot" Kasich. My dad is also been rated in the top 3 best quality control pros in the state of ohio. Thats why he got to meet with Ted.

Then there is mom. She holds a job at a school that she just transferred to for the 2011-2012 school year. She deals with and takes care of autistic children. I remember her last job review she got all 4's across the board (highest possible rating). So basically there's no better person to take care of autistic children than my mom. My parents are also responsible for introducing me to video games. I got a nintendo back in 1987 and dad was one of the best gamers I have ever known. He beat both zeldas without guides and before the internet was commercialized.

They also give an awful lot. I know I take it for granted and hell, I wish I was a better person but often times I make them hate me because of what I say. I'm just too different than them. Anyways. They bought me a condo, got me my job since I cant find S*** around here, and bought me a car which I only got to pay $100 a month on.
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Old 03-05-2012
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That is very nice of them yaBe - any sisters or brothers?
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Old 03-06-2012
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That is very nice of them yaBe - any sisters or brothers?
Yeah. A younger brother. He'll be 22 next month. I happen to have a pretty cool brother to. We both are deep into video games. I've been wanting to get ahold of world of warcraft because his pc and everything was stolen a few months ago and when he got new stuff he started playing again and realized how much he loves the game. Now I want to play it.

Oh and GB. Go ahead and beat on me, if your female.
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