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Heard any good ones lately?
 

A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3 o'clock in the morning! He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife.
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"No, I did not, it is 3 o'clock in the morning and it is pouring out there!"
"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes" comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?", calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here on the swing!" replies the drunk.


*** *** ***


A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic garbage bags with her, one in each hand. There's a hole in one of the bags, and every once in a while a $20 bill is flying out of it onto the pavement.
Noticing this, a policeman stops her. "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag."
"Damn!" says the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can still find some. Thanks for the warning!"
"Well now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that money? Did you steal it?"
"Oh, no", says the little old lady. "You see, my back yard borders on the parking lot of the football stadium. Each time there's a game, a lot of fans come and pee in the bushes, right into my flower beds! So I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each time someone sticks his pecker through the bushes, I say: $20 or off it comes!"
"Hey, not a bad idea!" laughs the cop. "Good luck! By the way, what's in the other bag?"
"Well", says the little old lady, "not all of 'em pays up!"

No new ones but my favourite quick one:

What's do Ferrero Rocher chocolates and David Beckham have in common?





















They both come in a posh box.

They both come in a posh box.


doubt it, would you????

You don't get the joke? Or you wouldn't do his wife?

I would.:sly:

course I get the joke,

its the wife, yuk, like going to bed with a bicycle...

A man goes to a dentist to have a tooth pulled. The dentist pulls out a needle.
"No way! No needles! I hate needles!" the patient said.
The dentist starts to hook up the laughing gas and the man again objects.
"I can't do the gas thing - the thought of having the gas mask on is suffocating to me!"
The dentist then asks if the man has any objection to taking a pill.
"No objection", the patient says, "I am fine with pills".
The dentist left for a moment and when he returned, says "Here is a Viagra tablet."
The patient says, "Wow - I didn't know the V-Pill worked as a pain killer!"
"It doesn't," said the dentist, "but it will give you something to hold onto when I pull out your tooth."

A blonde was summoned to court to appear as a witness in a lawsuit. The prosecutor opened his questioning with, "Where were you the night of August 24th?"
"Objection!" said the defense attorney. "Irrelevant!"
"Oh, that's okay," said the blonde from the witness stand. "I don't mind answering the question."
"I object!" the defense said again.
"No, really," said the blonde. "I'll answer."
The judge ruled: "If the witness insists on answering, there is no reason for the defense to object."
So the prosecutor repeated the question: "Where were you the night of August 24th?"
The blonde replied brightly, "I don't know."

WHO SAID WOMEN COULDN'T FOLLOW INSTRUCTIONS...

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews and preliminary testing were done, there were three finalists. Two men and a woman.

For the final test, the agent in charge took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

"We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside of this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill Her!!!"

The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife."

The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job."

The second man was then told "We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside of this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill Her!!!"

He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes.

"I tried, but I can't pull the trigger on my wife."

The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was told "We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside of this room, you will find your husband sitting in a chair. Kill Him!!!"

She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. Then they heard screaming, crashing, and banging on the walls.

After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, hair mussed, clothing in disarray, and blood splattered from head to foot. She wiped the sweat from her brow, and said, "This gun was loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair."

A woman visits a fortuneteller who tells her, "Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."

Visibly shaken, the woman takes a few deep breaths, steadies her voice and asks, "Will I be acquitted?"
************************************************** ******
After a morning stroll the three bears head for the kitchen to see if their breakfast had cooled down.
"Sombody's eaten my porridge." cries the baby bear.
"And somebody's eaten my porridge," exclaims the mother bear.
"Stuff the porridge!" yells the father bear. "Where's the **** DVD player?"
************************************************** ****
A man was sent to Hell for his sins.As he was being taken to his place of eternal torment, he passed a room where a lawyer was having an intimate encounter with a beautiful youn woman.
"What a rip off," the man muttered. "I have to roast for all eternity, and that lawyer gets to spend it with a beautiful woman."
Jabbing the man with his pitchfork, the escorting demon snarled, "Who are you to question that woman's punishment?"
:cheer: :cheer: :cheer:

A university creative writing class was asked to write a concise essay containing these four elements: religion, royalty, sex and mystery.
The prize-winning essay read:
"My God," exlaimed the princess. "I'm pregnant! I wonder who did it?"
==================================================
A construction boss in Boston was interviewing men when along came a guy named Vinny from New York.
"I'm not hiring any wise-ass New Yorker," the foreman thought, so he made up a test hoping that Vinny wouldn't be able to

answer the questions, and he'd be able to refuse him the job without getting into a dispute.
"Here's your first question," the foreman said. "Without using numbers, represent the number 9."
"Widout numbiz?" Vinny says. "Dat's easy," and he proceeds to draw 3 trees.
"What's this?" the boss asks.
The New Yorker replies, "Ain't you got no brains? Tree 'n Tree 'n Tree makes nine. Faghedaboutit..."
"Fair enough," says the Boss. "Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time make the number 99."
Vinny stares into space for a minute, then picks up the picture he has drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. "Dare ya go, Buddy."
The Boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"
Vinny says "Eacha da tree's is dirty now! So it's dirty tree 'n dirty tree 'n dirty tree - dat's 99."
The Boss is getting worried he's going to have to hire the New Yorker, so he says, "All right, last question. Same rules but this time make 100."
Vinny stares into space again, then picks up the picture once again, makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Dare ya go, Mac, a hunnert."
The Boss looks at the picture for a moment and says, "You must be nuts if you think that represents 100!"
New York Vinny leans forward and points to the marks at the base of the trees. "A little doggie comes along and takes a crap on each a dem trees, so now ya got dirty tree an' a turd, dirty tree an' a turd, dirty tree an'a turd - which makes one hunnert. Bada boom , bada bing. When do I freakin' staht?"

Just for Laughs
 

Hey everyone Post your Really Funny jokes here. Please no corny Lame jokes. Just the ones that will make people laugh. Hopefully this will be a "Sticky" or have its own Section.

I'll start it off.
BooMer

Title Unusual Funeral
A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he
noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.

A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet
behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a
dog on a leash. Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men
walking single file.

The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man
walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a
bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose
funeral is it?"

"My wife's."

"What happened to her?"

The man replied, "My dog attacked and killed her."

He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?"

The man answered, "My mother-in-law... She was trying to help my wife when
the dog turned on her."

A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two men.

"Can I borrow the dog?"

The man replied, "Get in line."

HAHA! Very nice

Two Ways To Look At Everything! LOL

My girlfriend and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I
kept staring at this drunken girl swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My girlfriend asked, "Do you know her?" "Yes," I sighed, "She's
my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up
those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" says my girlfriend, "Who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?"

A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead!
Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head.
The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it!"
"Shut up!" the blonde replies, "you're next."
=======================================
Billy Bob and Lester were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Lester, "Ya know, I reckon I'm about ready for a vacation. Only this year I'm gonna do it a little different. The last few years, I took your suggestions as to where to go.
Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Marie got pregnant. Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Marie got pregnant again. Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Marie didn't get pregnant again."
Lester asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?"
Billy Bob says, "This year I'm taking Marie with me."

12-Year Scotch

A guy walks into a bar and says to the bartender,
"I want you to give me 12-year scotch, and don't try to fool me because
I can tell the difference."
The bartender is skeptical and decides to try to trick the man with 5-year scotch.
The man takes a sip, scowls and says,
"Bartender, this crap is 5-year scotch. I told you I want 12-year scotch."
The bartender tries once more with 8-year scotch.
The man takes a sip, grimaces and says,
"Bartender, I don't want 8-year scotch like this filth. Give me 12-year scotch!"
Impressed, the bartender gets the 12-year scotch,
The man takes a sip and sighs, "Ah, now that's the real thing."
A disgusting, grimy, stinking drunk has been watching all this with great interest.
He stumbles over and sets a glass down in front of the man and says,
"Hey, I think that's really far out what you can do. Try this one."
The man takes a sip and immediately spits out the liquid and cries,
"Yechhh! This stuff tastes like piss!"
The drunk`' eyes light up and he says, "Yeah, now how old am I?"

The passengers on a small plane are a quite surprised when the pilots arrive. The pilots walk up the aisle, both wearing dark glasses. One has a seeing-eye dog, the other is tapping his way with a white-tipped cane.
The cockpit door closes, the engines start up.
The plane moves faster and faster down the runway. People by the windows realize they're heading right towards the water at the end of the runway.
Panic ensues. Screams fill the air. At that very moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air.
The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly.
Up in the cockpit, the co-pilot turns to the pilot. "Y'know, Bob," he says. "One day they're going to scream too late, and we're all gonna die."

$40,000. Funeral

Jim died.

His will provided $40,000 for an elaborate funeral.

As the last guests departed the affair, his wife Sharon turned to her oldest and dearest friend. 'Well, I'm sure Jim would be pleased,' she said.

'I'm sure you're right,' replied Brenda, who lowered her voice and leaned in close.

'How much did this really cost?'

'All of it,' said Sharon . 'Forty thousand.'

'No!' Brenda exclaimed. 'I mean, it was very nice, but $40,000?'

Sharon answered, 'The funeral was $6,500. I donated $500 to church. The whiskey, wine and snacks were another $500. The rest went for the Memorial Stone.'

Brenda computed quickly. '$32,500 for a Memorial Stone? How big is it?

http://www.aclutx70th.com/wp-content...mond-rings.jpg

My Pal Needs Technical Support

Can you please advise me? I'm currently running the latest version of Girlfriend and I've been having some problems lately. I've been running the same version of DrinkingBuddies 1.0 all along as my primary application, and all the girlfriend releases have always conflicted with it.

I hear that DrinkingBuddies won't crash if you run girlfriend in background mode with the sound turned off. But I'm embarrassed to say I can't find the switch to turn the sound off. I just run them separately, and it works okay.

Girlfriend also seems to have a problem coexisting with my Golf program, often trying to abort Golf with some sort of timing incompatibility. I probably should have stayed with girlfriend 1.0, but I thought I might see better performance with GirlFriend 2.0.

After months of conflicts and other problems, I consulted a friend who has had experience with GirlFriend 2.0. He said that I probably didn't have enough cache to run girlfriend 2.0, and that eventually it would require a Token ring to run properly.

He was right --- as soon as I purged my cache, it uninstalled itself. Shortly after that, I installed girlfriend 3.0 beta. All the bugs were supposed to be gone, but the first time I used it, I got a virus. I had to clean out my whole system and shut down for a while.

I very cautiously upgraded to girlfriend 4.0. This time I used a SCSI probe first and also installed a virus protection program. It worked okay for a while until I discovered that GirlFriend 1.0 was still in my system! Then I tried to run GirlFriend 1.0 again with GirlFriend 4.0 still installed, but GirlFriend 4.0 has a feature that I didn't know about that automatically senses the presence of any other version of girlfriend and communicates with it in some way, which results in the immediate removal of both versions!

The version I have right now works pretty well, but there are still some problems. Like all versions of girlfriend, it is written in some obscure language that I can't understand, much less reprogram. Frankly, I think there is too much attention paid to the look and feel rather than the desired functionality.

Also, to get the best connections with your hardware, you usually have to use gold-plated contacts. And I've never liked how GirlFriend is totally "object-oriented". A year ago, a friend of mine upgraded his version of GirlFriend to GirlFriendPlus 1.0, which is a Terminate and Stay Resident version of GirlFriend.

He discovered that GirlFriendPlus 1.0 expires within a year if you don't upgrade to Fiancee 1.0. So he did. But soon after that, he had to upgrade to Wife 1.0, which he describes as a "huge resource hog". It has taken up all of his space, so he can't load anything else.

One of the primary reasons that he upgraded to Wife 1.0 is that it came bundled with FreeSexPlus 1.0. Well, it turns out that the resource allocation module of Wife 1.0 sometimes prohibits access to FreesexPlus, particularly the new Plug-Ins he wanted to try.

On top of that, Wife 1.0 must be running on a well warmed-up system before he can do anything. Although he did not ask for it, Wife 1.0 came with MotherInLaw 1.0 which has an automatic pop-up feature that he can't turn off.

I told him to try installing Mistress 1.0, but he said that he heard if you try to run it without first uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself, Then Mistress 1.0 won't install anyway due to insufficient resources.

Can any of you help??

^^^^^^^^^^^ love that one.

How To Ask A Man To Do Something


Always remember these six important rules when asking a man to do something:

Make sure the man is conscious.

Crash the hard drive on his computer and line the bird cage with the sports section.

Be brief! Limit your nagging harangue to two, three hours, max.

Reward him for cooperative behavior. Offer to cook him something that doesn't have a peel-back cover.

Punish him when he refuses to cooperate. Microwave his remote on high power for 55 minutes.

Rotate 1/4 turn, and microwave again for another 35 minutes.

Use "would you" or "will you" instead of "you'd better" or "do as I say and no one will get hurt."
:cheer:

Vicvelcro and BooMer

Gurusgrafx died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly.

The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Vicvelcro and BooMer.

The three men had always done everything together.

Vicvelcro arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet,

Vicvelcro said, 'Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over.'

The mortician rolled him over and Vicvelcro said, 'Nope, ain't Gurusgrafx '

The mortician thought this was rather strange.

So he brought BooMer in to confirm the identity of the body.

BooMer looked at the body and said, 'Yup, he's pretty well burnt up.

Roll him over..'

The mortician rolled him over and BooMer said, 'No, it ain't Gurusgrafx '

The mortician asked, 'How can you tell?'

BooMer said, 'Well, Gurusgrafx had two assholes.'

'What? He had two assholes?' asked the mortician.

'Yup, we never seen 'em, but everybody used to say:

'There's Gurusgrafx with them two assholes.'

The Real names has been Hidden and replaced with Fictitious Names.:pound:

Annoyed by the professor of anatomy who liked to tell "naughty" stories during class, a group of female students decided that the next time he started to tell one, they would all rise and leave the room in protest. The professor, however, got wind of their scheme just before class the following day, so he bide his time. Then, halfway through the lecture, he began. "They say there is quite a shortage of prostitutes in France." The girls looked at one another, arose and started for the door. "Young ladies," said the professor with a broad smile, "the next plane doesn't leave till tomorrow afternoon."

^^^^^^^^^^^ Bwa hahahaha - #22. Ok, so anyhow...



COYOTE v. ACME
In the United States District Court, Southwestern District, Tempe, Arizona
Case No. B191294, Judge Joan Kujava, Presiding

Wiley E. Coyote, Plaintiff
v.
Acme Company, Defendant

Opening Statement of Harold Schoff, attorney for Mr. Coyote: My client,
Mr. Wiley E. Coyote, a resident of Arizona and contiguous states, does
hereby bring suit for damages against the Acme Company, manufacturer and
retail distributor of assorted merchandise, incorporated in Delaware and
doing business in every state, district and territory. Mr. Coyote seeks
compensation for personal injuries, loss of business income, and mental
suffering caused as a direct result the actions and/or gross negligence
of said company, under Title 15 of the United States Code, Chapter 47,
section 2072, subsection (a), relating to product liability.

Mr. Coyote states that on eighty-five separate occasions he has purchased
of the Acme Company (hereinafter, "Defendant"), through that company's
mail-order department, certain products which did cause him bodily injury
due to defects in manufacture or improper cautionary labelling. Sales slips
made out to Mr. Coyote as proof of purchase are at present in the posses-
sion of the Court, marked Exhibit A. Such injuries sustained by Mr. Coyote
have temporarily restricted his ability to make a living in his profession
of predator. Mr. Coyote is self-employed and thus not eligible for Work-
men's Compensation.

Mr. Coyote states that on December 13th he received of Defendant via parcel
post one Acme Rocket Sled. The intention of Mr. Coyote was to use the
Rocket Sled to aid him in pursuit of his prey. Upon receipt of the Rocket
Sled Mr. Coyote removed it from its wooden shipping crate and, sighting his
prey in the distance, activated the ignition. As Mr. Coyote gripped the
handlebars, the Rocket Sled accelerated with such sudden and precipitate
force as to stretch Mr. Coyote's forelimbs to a length of fifty feet.
Subsequently, the rest of Mr. Coyote's body shot forward with a violent
jolt, causing severe strain to his back and neck and placing him unex-
pectedly astride the Rocket Sled. Disappearing over the horizon at such
speed as to leave a diminishing jet trail along his path, the Rocket Sled
soon brought Mr. Coyote abreast of his prey. At that moment the animal he
was pursuing veered sharply to the right. Mr. Coyote vigorously attempted
to follow this maneuver but was unable to do so, due to poorly designed
steering and a faulty or nonexistent braking system. Shortly thereafter,
the unchecked progress of the Rocket Sled brought it and Mr. Coyote into
collision with the side of a mesa.

Paragraph One of the Report of Attending Physician (Exhibit B), prepared by
Dr. Ernest Grosscup, M.D., D.O., details the multiple fractures, contusions
and tissue damage suffered by Mr. Coyote as a result of this collision.
Repair of the injuries required a full bandage around the head (excluding
the ears), a neck brace, and full or partial casts on all four legs.

Hampered by these injuries, Mr. Coyote was nevertheless obliged to support
himself. With this in mind, he purchased of Defendant as an aid to mobility
one pair of rocket skates. When he attempted to use this product, however,
he became involved in an accident remarkably similar to that which occurred
with the Rocket Sled. Again, Defendant sold over the counter, without
caveat, a product which attached powerful jet engines (in this case, two)
to inadequate vehicles, with little or no provision for passenger safety.
Encumbered by his heavy casts, Mr. Coyote lost control of the Rocket
Skates soon after strapping them on, and collided with a roadside billboard
so violently as to leave a hole in the shape of his full silhouette.

Mr. Coyote states that on occasions too numerous to list in this document
he has suffered mishaps with explosives purchased of the Defendant: the
Acme "Little Giant" Firecracker, the Acme Self-Guided Aerial Bomb, etc.
(For a full listing see the Acme Mail Order Explosives Catalogue and
attached deposition, entered into evidence as Exhibit C.) Indeed, it is
safe to say that not once has an explosive purchased of Defendant by Mr.
Coyote performed in an expected manner. To cite just one example: At the
expense of much time and personal effort, Mr. Coyote constructed around the
outer rim of a butte a wooden trough beginning at the top of the butte and
spiralling downward around it to some few feet above a black X painted on
the desert floor. The trough was designed in such a way that a spherical
explosive of the type sold by Defendant would roll easily and swiftly down
to the point of detonation indicated by the X. Mr. Coyote placed a generous
pile of birdseed directly on the X, and then, carrying the spherical Acme
Bomb (Catalogue #78-832), climbed to the top of the butte. Mr. Coyote's
prey, seeing the bird seed, approached, and Mr. Coyote proceeded to light
the fuse. In an instant, the fuse burned down to the stem, causing the
bomb to detonate.

In addition to reducing all Mr. Coyote's careful preparation to naught, the
premature detonation of Defendant's product resulted in the following dis-
figurements to Mr. Coyote:
1. Severe singeing of the hair on the head, neck and muzzle.
2. Sooty discoloration.
3. Fracture of the left ear at the stem, causing the ear to dangle in the
aftershock with a creaking noise.
4. Full or partial combustion of whiskers, producing kinking, frazzling,
and ashy disintegration.
5. Radical widening of the eyes, due to brow and lid charring.

[continued in post #26 due to exceeding the character limit and loose trigger finger]

A wife says to her friend, "Our sex life stinks." Her friend says, "Do you ever watch your husband's face when you're having sex?" She says, "Once, and I saw rage." Her friend says, "Why would he be angry during sex?" The wife says, "Because he was looking through the window at us."

[continued from #24]

We come now to the Acme Spring-Powered Shoes. The remains of a pair of
these purchased by Mr. Coyote on June 23rd are Plaintiff's Exhibit D.
Selected fragments have been shipped to the metallurgical laboratories of
the University of California at Santa Barbara for analysis, but to date no
explanation has been found for this product's sudden and extreme malfunc-
tion. As advertised by Defendant, this product is simplicity itself: two
wood-and-metal sandals, each attached to milled-steel springs of high
tensile strength and compressed into a tightly coiled position by a cocking
device with a lanyard release. Mr. Coyote believed that this product would
enable him to pounce upon his prey in the initial moments of the chase,
when swift reflexes are at a premium.

To increase the shoes' thrusting power still further, Mr. Coyote affixed
them by their bottoms to the side of a large boulder. Adjacent to the
boulder was a path which Mr. Coyote's prey was known to frequent. Mr.
Coyote put his hind feet in the wood-and-metal sandals and crouched in
readiness, his right forepaw holding firmly to the lanyard release. Within
a short time Mr. Coyote's prey did indeed appear on the path coming toward
him. Unsuspecting, the prey stopped near Mr. Coyote, well within range of
the springs at full extension. Mr. Coyote gauged the distance with care and
proceeded to pull the lanyard release.

At this point, Defendant's product should have thrust Mr. Coyote forward
and away from the boulder. Instead, for reasons yet unknown, the Acme
Spring-Powered Shoes thrust the boulder away from Mr. Coyote. As the
intended prey looked on unharmed, Mr. Coyote hung suspended in air. Then
the twin springs recoiled, bringing Mr. Coyote to a violent feet-first
collision with the boulder, the full weight of his head and forequarters
falling upon his lower extremities.

The force of this impact then caused the springs to rebound, whereupon Mr.
Coyote was thrust skyward. A second recoil and collision followed. The
boulder, meanwhile, which was roughly ovoid in shape, had begun to bounce
down a hillside, the coiling and recoiling of the springs adding to its
velocity. At each bounce, Mr. Coyote came into contact with the boulder,
or the boulder came into contact with Mr. Coyote, or both came into contact
with the ground. As the grade was a long one, this process continued for
some time.

A sequence of collisions resulted in systemic physical damage to Mr.
Coyote, viz., flattening of the cranium, sideways replacement of the
tongue, reduction of length of legs and upper body, and compression of
vertebrae from base of tail to head. Repetition of blows along a vertical
axis produced a series of regular horizontal folds in Mr. Coyote's body
tissues -- a rare and painful condition which caused Mr. Coyote to expand
upward and contract downward alternately as he walked, and to emit off-key,
accordionlike wheezing with every step. The distracting and embarrassing
nature of this symptom has been a major impediment to Mr. Coyote's pursuit
of a normal social life.

As the Court is no doubt aware, Defendant has a virtual monopoly of manu-
facture and sale of goods required by Mr. Coyote's work. It is our con-
tention that Defendant has used its market advantage to the detriment of
the consumer of such specialized products as itching powder, giant kites,
Burmese tiger traps, anvils, and two-hundred-foot-long rubber bands. Much
as he has come to distrust Defendant's products, Mr. Coyote has no other
domestic source of supply to which to turn. One can only wonder what our
trading partners in Western Europe and Japan would make of such a
situation, where a giant company is allowed to victimize the consumer in
the most reckless and wrongful manner over and over again.

Mr. Coyote respectfully requests that the Court regard these larger
economic implications and assess punitive damages in the amount of seven-
teen million dollars. In addition, Mr. Coyote seeks actual damages (missed
meals, medical expenses, days lost from professional occupation) of one
million dollars; general damages (mental suffering, injury to reputation)
of twenty million dollars; and attorney's fees of seven hundred and fifty
thousand dollars. Total damages: thirty-eight million seven hundred and
fifty thousand dollars. By awarding Mr. Coyote the full amount, this Court
will censure Defendant, its directors, officers, shareholders, successors,
and assigns, in the only language they understand, and reaffirm the right
of the individual predator to equal protection under the law.

Hear about the guy who got caught stealing a calendar?

He got 12 months

(Terrible I know but made me laugh still)

That's kind of like this joke...

"What is green, has 4 legs, and could kill you if it fell out of a tree?"

"A pool table."

"It's funny because you wouldn't expect a pool table in a tree."

It was on Two and a Half Men...I love the show

500th
 

What's black and white and black and white and black and white and black and white and black and white and black and white and black and white and black and white and black and white and black and white and black and white and black and white and black and white and black and white and black and white and black and white and black and white?

A nun falling down a flight of stairs.

What Gets Longer When Pulled,

Fits Between your Boobs,

Inserts Neatly in a Hole

AND Works Best When Jerked?


Lets see who can get it...

Edit: Correct Answer given by Gurusgrafx

A Seatbelt.

I got nothin...

a seatbelt...

A beautiful, well endowed, young blonde, goes to her local pet store in search of an exotic pet. As she looks about the store, she notices a box full of frogs. The sign says: Sex Frogs! Only $20 each! Money Back Guarantee! (Comes with complete instructions).

The girl excitedly looks around to see if anybody’s watching her and whispers softly to the man behind the counter, “I’ll take one.” The man packaged the frog and said, “Just follow the instructions carefully.”

The girl nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home. As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, the girl takes out the instructions and reads them thoroughly, doing exactly what it says to do:

1. Take a shower.
2. Splash on some nice smelling perfume.
3. Slip into a very sexy teddy.
4. Crawl into bed and position the frog in place.

She then quickly gets into bed with the frog and, to her surprise, nothing happens! The girl is totally frustrated and quite upset at this point. She re-reads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it says, “If you have any problems or questions, please call the pet store.” So, the girl calls the pet store.

The man says, “I had some complaints earlier today. I’ll be right over.” Within five minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell. The girl welcomes him in and says, “See, I’ve done everything according to the instructions and the damn thing just sits there.”

The man, looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares directly into its eyes and sternly says: “Listen to me! I’m only going to show you how to do this one more time!”

The next survivor series
 

THE
NEXT SURVIVOR
SERIES

Six married men
will be dropped on an island with one car and
3 kids each for six weeks.


Each kid will play two sports
and take either music or dance classes.


There is no fast food.

Each man must
take care of his 3 kids;

keep his assigned house clean,

correct all homework,

complete science projects,
cook,

do laundry,

and pay a list of 'pretend' bills
with not enough money.


In
addition, each man
will have to budget in money
for groceries each week.


Each man
must remember the birthdays
of all their friends and relatives,
and send cards out on time--no emailing.


Each man must also take each child

to a doctor's appointment,
a dentist appointment
and a haircut appointment.

He must make one unscheduled and
inconvenient visit per child to the Urgent Care.

He must also make cookies or cupcakes
for a social function.

Each man will be responsible for
decorating his own assigned house,

planting flowers outside, and keeping it

presentable at all times.

The men will only have access to television
when the kids are asleep and all chores are done.


The men must shave their legs,

wear makeup daily,

adorn
themselves with jewelry,

wear uncomfortable yet stylish shoes,

keep fingernails polished,

and eyebrows groomed.


During one of the six weeks,

the men will have to endure severe

abdominal cramps, back aches,
have extreme, unexplained mood swings

but never once complain or slow down
from other duties.

They must attend weekly school meetings and
church,

and find time at least once to spend

the afternoon at the park or a similar
setting.

They will need to read a book to the kids
each night and in the morning,
feed them,

dress them,
brush their teeth and
comb their hair

by 7:00 am.

A test
will be given at the end of the six weeks, and each father will be
required to know all of the following information:
each child's
birthday,
height, weight,
shoe size, clothes size,
doctor's name,
the child's weight at birth,
length, time of birth,
and length of labor,
each child's favorite color,
middle name,
favorite snack,
favorite song,
favorite drink,
favorite toy,
biggest fear,

and what they want to be when they grow up.

The kids vote them off the island based on performance.


The last man wins only if...
he still
has enough energy
to be intimate with his spouse
at a moment's
notice.

If the last man does win,
he can play the game over and over and over
again for the next 18-25 years,
eventually earning the right
to be called Mother!


After you get done laughing,
send this to as many females as
you think will get a kick out of it and
as many men as you think can handle it.
Just don't send it back to me....
I'm going to bed.

A man with a winking problem is applying for a position as a sales representative for a large firm. The interviewer looks over his papers and says, "This is phenomenal. You've graduated from the best schools; your recommendations are wonderful, and your experience is unparalleled. Normally, we'd hire you without a second thought. However, a sales representative has a highly visible position, and we're afraid that your constant winking will scare off potential customers. I'm sorry....we can't hire you."
"But wait," he said. "If I take two aspirin, I'll stop winking!"
"Really? Great! Show me!"
So the applicant reaches into his jacket pocket and begins pulling out all sorts of condoms: red condoms, blue condoms, ribbed condoms, flavored condoms; finally, at the bottom, he finds a packet of aspirin. He tears it open, swallows the pills, and stops winking.
"Well," said the interviewer, "that's all well and good, but this is a respectable company, and we will not have our employees womanizing all over the country!"
"Womanizing? What do you mean? I'm a happily married man!"
"Well then, how do you explain all these condoms?"
"Oh, that," he sighed. "Have you ever walked into a pharmacy, winking, and asked for aspirin?"

There were two guys working for the city. One would dig a hole -- he would dig, dig, dig.
The other would come behind him and fill the hole -- fill, fill, fill. These two men worked furiously; one digging a hole, the other filling it up again.
A man was watching from the sidewalk and couldn't believe how hard these men were working, but couldn't understand what they were doing. Finally he had to ask them.
He said to the hole digger, "I appreciate how hard you work, but what are you doing? You dig a hole and your partner comes behind you and fills it up again!"
The hole digger replied, "Oh yeah, must look funny, but the guy who plants the trees is sick today."

P R E - R E L A T I O N S H I P A G R E E M E N T


The party of the first part (herein referred to as "she"), being of sound mind and pretty good body, agrees to the following with the party of the second part (herein referred to as "him"):


1. FULL DISCLOSURE: At the commencement of said relationship (colloquially referred to as the "first date"), each party agrees to fully disclose any current girl/boyfriends, dependent children, bizarre religious beliefs, phobias, fears, social diseases, strange political affiliations, or currently active relationships with anyone else that have not yet been terminated. Further, each party agrees to make known any deep-seated complexes and/or fanatical obsessions with pets, careers, and/or organized sports. Failure to make these disclosures will result in the immediate termination of said relationship before it has a chance to get anywhere.

2. INDEMNIFICATION OF FRIENDS: Both parties agree to hold the person who arranged the liaison (colloquially referred to as the "matchmaker") blameless in the event that the "fix-up" turns out to be a "real loser" or "psycho bitch". (For definition of "real loser", see "John DeLorean: My Story", available at most bookstores, or any picture of Bob Guccione in "Penthouse". For definition of "psycho bitch," see Sharon Stone in "Basic Instinct" or Glenn Close in "Fatal Attraction.")

3. DEFINITION OF RELATIONSHIP: Should said relationship proceed past the first date, both parties mutually agree to use the following terminology in describing their said "dating": For the first thirty (30) days, both parties consent to say they are "going out". (This neither implies nor states any guarantee of exclusivity.) Following the first thirty (30) days, both parties may say they are "seeing somebody" and may be referred to by third parties as "an item". Sixty (60) days following the commencement of the first date, either member may elect to use the terms "girl/boyfriend" or "lover" and their mutual acquaintances may refer to them as "a couple". Under no circumstances are the phrases "my better half," "the little woman," "the old ball and chain," or "my old man/lady" acceptable. Furthermore, if both members consent, this time table may be sped up; however, if either party "gets too serious" and disregards this schedule, the other party may dissolve the relationship on the grounds of "moving too fast" and may once again be said to be "on the market."

4. TERMS OF EXCLUSIVITY: For the first thirty (30) days, both parties agree not to ask questions about the other's whereabouts on weekends, weeknights, or over long holiday periods. No unreasonable demands or expectations will be made; "rights" or "holds" on the other's time. Following the first six weeks or forty-five (45) days, if one party continues to be "missing in action" the "wounded party" agrees to "give up".

5. DATING ETIQUETTE: For the first thirty (30) days, both members of the couple agree to be overly considerate of the other's work pressures, schedules, and business ambitions. All dates will be made at least twenty-four (24) hours in advance; there will be no "running off in the middle of the night to console an old girl/boyfriend", and both parties agree to strike the phrase "but he/she needs me" from their vocabularies. Further, during the first six (6) weeks each member of said relationship agrees to attempt one spontaneous home-cooked meal or to arrange the delivery of at least one unexpected bouquet of flowers. Following the first forty-five (45) days, both parties will return to their normal personalities .

6. TERMS OF PAYMENT: It is agreed that-respective gross income aside --- "he" will pick up the tab at all dinners, clubs, theaters, and breakfasts until: He considers her suitably impressed, He is broke, or He says, "this is ridiculous, you pay!" Not included in this agreement are meals ordered from the bedroom, which are subject to the availability of discretionary funds on hand at the time.

7. LIVING ARRANGEMENTS (occasionally known as the "Why do I bother to keep my own apartment?" codicil): Should said relationship progress to the point where the couple spends more than four nights a week together, every effort shall be made to split the time between their respective apartments. Further, it is agreed that both sides will attempt to silence the lewd remarks of landlords, or roommates. Both will avoid having their mothers call at 7:30 in the morning. He agrees to "pick up after himself" while in residence at her apartment,including washing his whiskers out of the sink,and assisting with household duties. By the same token, she agrees to respect his right to keep his apartment "a mess".

8. THE 90-DAY GRACE PERIOD: For the first three months, each member of the couple agrees to hold the other blameless in the euphoric use of phrases like "Let's move in together," "Why don't we start a family?" and-using archaic terminology-"Let's get married." 9. THE "L" WORD: For the first sixty (60) days, both parties agree not to use the phrase "I love you." They may love plants, dogs, cats, cars, concerts, or the way a particular pair of jeans fits, but not each other. Failure by one party to abide by this rule will result in the other party using the "G" word ... "Gone."

10. GROUNDS FOR TERMINATION: Any of the following will be grounds for immediate termination and final dissolution of said relationship: Infidelity: Running off at any time to console an ex-girl/boyfriend, Ending any argument with the sentence "My ex used to do that same thing"; Suggesting-no matter how kindly-that the other member should seek "help"; Ending any argument with the phrase "My therapist thinks you are ..." 11. DECLARATION OF STRENGTH: At the time of breakup, each party reserves the right to make the other feel guilty by using one or all of the following phrases: "You'll never find anybody better"; "Nobody could ever make you happy"; "I'll find somebody who can really appreciate me"; "My therapist thinks you are ..." (appropriate psychosis/neurosis goes here)

12. MISCELLANEOUS: Both parties agree to remain exclusive until such time as the relationship appear to be "on the rocks". Each party agrees to give the other at least five minutes notice before terminating said relationship. At the termination of said affair, both parties agree to be mature and return compiled socks, sweatshirts, books, record albums, door keys, and personal undergarments with all due haste through impartial intermediaries. Each party agrees to wait at least seventy-two (72) hours before engaging in sex with any of the other's friends. Both parties agree to refrain from slandering the other for a period of at least seven days (bedroom performance included), and further consent to use one of the following nebulous terms in the description of the breakup: "The timing wasn't right" "He/she wanted more than I could give" "He/she was too involved in his/her career" "He/she decided to go back to his/her lover/hometown/therapist"

13. ADDENDUM: After the initial breakup - no matter what - both parties agree to give the relationship "one more shot".

BEST RUM CAKE EVER

1 or 2 Quarts of Rum 1 tsp.sugar
1 cup butter 2 large eggs
1 cup dried fruit 1 tsp. soda
lemon juice brown sugar
baking powder nuts

Before you start, sample the Rum to check for quality (Good, sn't it?). Now go ahaid.
Select a large mixing bowl, measuring cup, etc. Check the Rum again. It must be just right. To be sure Rum is of the highest quality, pour one level cup of Rum into a glass and drink it as fast as you can.

With an electric mixer, beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one seaspoon of thugar and beat again. Meanwhile, make sure that the Rum is of the finest quality. Try another cup. Open secod quart is necessary. Add 2 large leggs, 2 cups fried druit and beat till high. If druit gets stuck in beaters, just pry it loose with a drewscriver. Sample the Rum again, check for tonacisticity.
Next, sift 3 cups pepper or salt ( it really doesn't matter which) Sample the Rum again. Sift 1/2 pint of lemon juice.
Fold in chipped butter and strained nuts. Add one bubblespoon of brown thugar, or whatever color you can find. Mix well. Grease oven and turn cake pan to 350 degrees. Now pour the whole mess into the coven and ake.
Check the Rum again and go to bed.

I'd thank #39 twice, but the thumb vanished after I clicked it the first time. The back button was no help. Sorry. I tried.